A year.
365 days.
Routine, comfortable or not.
It's been too long since I've written here. So long in fact that it has become a thing that I am actively fighting against. In my mind's eye, I'm circling an every changing dark and billowing form. This thing, this entity, is standing directly in front of something that I know is good and right and true. I just can't seem to get past it. It also has the ability to morph, to take on forms that make it seemingly impossible to get to the other side.
Health.
Worry.
Issues that I have to deal with that feel out of my control.
Pain.
Tired.
The voice that whispers, "Just get to it tomorrow."
And always the circling. Always circling this ever changing formless monster that is actively keeping me from where and who I want to become.
In the end, that formless entity is...me. I'm the one stopping myself from becoming who I can be. In my work and with friends and family, I can dish out the advice, "The only thing stopping yourself is you." all the time. It's easy and I mean it. But when I need to apply that same advice to myself, I might as well be screaming into a void.
In my adult life, I've felt untethered, disconnected from a place that can bring me back. Until those sweet days. those "golden moments" where it all seems to vibrate back into place. I had one of those moments recently, it was in my local library in Orange, MA. My older sister set up (read- pushed me hard) to do a reading and talk about The Unseen. I've been speaking in public since graduating college but I've never been as nervous as this event, because I was speaking about me, about the book, about my characters, and the world I created.
It was terrifying and unbelievable at the same time.
Friends I hadn't seen in decades showed up. Teachers that had protected me, guided me, pushed me, allowed me to fail and grow again showed up. Friends from college, little kids from town and their parents, my father, the mother of my best friend, people that knew me showed up. It was the community from my entire life in a nutshell, combined and cheering me on just by being there.
So when I encounter that shapeless monster, when I circle and fight the enemy that knows me so well, I realize that I have champions on my side. Everyone in that library, everyone reading this, that's how I, how we all, get through the rough patches. Whether that is a few days or a few years, find your champions. Find those who know you, those that will listen and ask questions.
Once that happens, the sky's the limit.